Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Zombies Can’t Climb re-duex

Four people huddle on the roof of a garage, a zombie filled alley on one side, a zombie filled backyard on the other.
   “Don’t worry, Katie, they can’t climb.” 
   “Mon Dieu! C’est un grimpeur de montagne!”
   “What is it Sebastian?”
   “Zat one, he is wearing the climbing harness and has chalk on his fingers.”
   “So what?”
   “Zee is a climber! Zee has the muscle memory!”
   Katie looked at them, tears forming in the corners of her eyes.
   “Katie?”
   “I left the shovel in the truck.”
   Sadly, none of them thought to bring a shovel up onto the roof, so our climber-zombie kills them all.
 
Could this happen?
 
Do the dead have muscle memory? Can they climb ladders? What about stairs? Steep hills?
 
I concede, I have not run this test using the animated corpse of an experienced climber, but here are the lab results using a typical set of Hollywood zombies plus a [dead] Czechoslovakian pole-vaulter we were lucky enough to receive on Saturday.
 
Flat, open ground
Results:
  • Average Joe: 2 mph
  • Big Guy: 1 mph, falls often
  • Czech Pole-vaulter: subject escaped [later recaptured]
 
Steep hill
Results:
  • Average Joe: 0.5 mph
  • Big Guy: falls often, did not complete course
  • Czech Pole-vaulter: subject escaped, subject escaped, bit two guards [later recaptured]
 
Stair Test
Results:
  •  Average Joe: stumbles often, completes 71% of the time
  • Big Guy: falls often, completes 19% of the time
  • Czech Pole-vaulter: subject escaped, killed research assistant [later recaptured]
 
Ladder Test
Results:
  • Average Joe: Fail
  • Big Guy: fail
  • Czech Pole-vaulter: subject escaped [subject terminated to protect lead researcher]
 
Conclusion:
 
Both stairs and steep slopes are navigable by the undead. For your protection, the RMA recommends at least a 10 foot-high vertical barrier with removable access (pull up the ladder dumb-ass). These precautions are not sufficient if you are pursued by dead climbers or Czechoslovakian pole-vaulters.

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