Sunday, August 22, 2010

What the f*** is a zombie anyway?

Which of the following are zombies:
(answers at the end)
The term ‘zombie’ refers to bit of voodoo mythology in which a normal person is brought back to life by a bokor. This is very different from the contagious reanimation so popular in our culture, which is interpreted in so many different ways that a singular definition seems nearly impossible.
However, I have narrowed it down to a simple definition:
A zombie is a human corpse that has reanimated, AND seeks to kill living humans.
This is synonymous with the living dead, the dead [in zombie fiction], mush-brain, mush-head, shamble, lurker and dozens of other terms.
So using this simple definition, which of our subjects are zombies?

  • Poorly drawn serial killer.
  • Trying to kill you, but very much alive.
  • Not a zombie.

  • Romero type-2 shamblers.
  • Dead. Trying to kill you.
  • Definitely zombies.
  • 28 days later rage-zombies
  • Dead. Trying to kill you.
  • Definitely zombies.
  • Neighbor lady inviting you to a ‘jewelry party’
  • Dead. Trying to hook you in pyramid sales scheme--which may destroy your soul, but does not technically ‘kill’ you.
  • Not a zombie*.
*Warning: resist urge to put this horrible creature out of its misery, such an action will result criminal charges.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Zombies Can’t Climb re-duex

Four people huddle on the roof of a garage, a zombie filled alley on one side, a zombie filled backyard on the other.
   “Don’t worry, Katie, they can’t climb.” 
   “Mon Dieu! C’est un grimpeur de montagne!”
   “What is it Sebastian?”
   “Zat one, he is wearing the climbing harness and has chalk on his fingers.”
   “So what?”
   “Zee is a climber! Zee has the muscle memory!”
   Katie looked at them, tears forming in the corners of her eyes.
   “I left the shovel in the truck.”
   Sadly, none of them thought to bring a shovel up onto the roof, so our climber-zombie kills them all.
Could this happen?
Do the dead have muscle memory? Can they climb ladders? What about stairs? Steep hills?
I concede, I have not run this test using the animated corpse of an experienced climber, but here are the lab results using a typical set of Hollywood zombies plus a [dead] Czechoslovakian pole-vaulter we were lucky enough to receive on Saturday.
Flat, open ground
  • Average Joe: 2 mph
  • Big Guy: 1 mph, falls often
  • Czech Pole-vaulter: subject escaped [later recaptured]
Steep hill
  • Average Joe: 0.5 mph
  • Big Guy: falls often, did not complete course
  • Czech Pole-vaulter: subject escaped, subject escaped, bit two guards [later recaptured]
Stair Test
  •  Average Joe: stumbles often, completes 71% of the time
  • Big Guy: falls often, completes 19% of the time
  • Czech Pole-vaulter: subject escaped, killed research assistant [later recaptured]
Ladder Test
  • Average Joe: Fail
  • Big Guy: fail
  • Czech Pole-vaulter: subject escaped [subject terminated to protect lead researcher]
Both stairs and steep slopes are navigable by the undead. For your protection, the RMA recommends at least a 10 foot-high vertical barrier with removable access (pull up the ladder dumb-ass). These precautions are not sufficient if you are pursued by dead climbers or Czechoslovakian pole-vaulters.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Monday, August 9, 2010

My apocalypse of choice: The Living Dead

Oh no, The Living Dead!
You may question the wisdom of this, but please, allow me to explain:

First thing to know about the living dead is that they are dumb. Fast or slow; viral, alien, or demonic, the dead are dumb. ALL dead are dumb. This is why we will always beat them, despite the gross myths perpetuated by our popular media.

Consider the mob. That is what zombies are, a mindless mob of arbitrary size. Have you ever seen a mob, or been in one? You ever watch a mob? They are delightfully easy to predict, easy to manipulate, easy to control. As are zombies.

The living dead are also easy to contain. Ever see a mob break through a concrete barricade? And you never will. Why? They can't. It is not physically possible. Concrete beats human flesh and bone every time, as surely as rock beats scissors.

Dumb, easy to predict, easy to control and easy to contain. Compare this with SARS, nukes, or the Rapture. Can you contain the Rapture? Nope.


If the world is going to end, I hope it is by zombies, because you can fight zombies, and you will most likely win.

Give me zombies, a shovel, and a couple dogs. Me, my family, and my neighbors will do just fine (if we can learn to live without the Internet).

Don't worry, Fido, we're perfectly safe!